Monday, June 22, 2015

"Don't you regret it? Don't you miss it??? You're crazy!" On hair.



Hello all!

Today is less about skincare or beauty (posts coming up!) and more about hair (Two posts about hair?!  What!!!).  I'm currently at home in the Philippines spending the summer with my family and have received the same range of questions from "Why did you cut your hair?" to "Are you crazy?!"

And so I wanted to reflect on my decisions pertaining to my hair, as it was more than just a jarring change in my "aesthetic" or my "image"...whatever that could mean.  My long hair has become as much a part of my external self as my glasses, as the way I dress or the fact that I love red lipstick.  Erika has long hair, Erika wears glasses and red lipstick and sometimes likes to dress kookily.   Above is a picture from my senior year of high school, a very good friend of mine and I saying our good byes to our favourite place on campus.  I am always speaking of turbulent change and of difficult transition, but this photo was taken at a time of heart breaking and stagnant inner-turmoil and lows.  Although graduation was coming, I was still stuck in a place of darkness.  I was excited to move away from home, to hopefully get away, to "be better".  But I forgot what has became a self-truth, wherever I go, however far I travel, I bring myself with me.  I in my entirety, I and my circumstance, cannot be left behind.  My first year at college was trying.  Difficult, even, the vibrant and life altering change that  I so hungered for did not come and I had forgotten my mantra.  A change in geography does not mean a change in "I".  I had forgotten that the people I am with and the soil that I step on or even the skin that turns over every month does not mean that I have changed.  And I so desperately wanted to.
And so I cut my hair.  And at the very end of the second semester, I cut it again, the shortest it has ever been.  I wanted to lose the hair that sometimes smelled of smoke, lose the hair that caressed the sea breeze, lose the hair that various hands have touched, have pulled, have stroked, have commented with, "You have such beautiful hair, I love your hair".  This was the hair that was there, absorbing, flowing, combing through my years in high school, my first year in college.  And I wanted it gone.  This was the hair pulled into a bun every morning as I got ready for school, the hair that was braided for my first attempts in volleyball, the hair that I brushed every morning and allowed the wind to dance through on my daily bike ride to school.  This was the hair that met the beach for the first time as a college student, the hair that almost drowned with me at Newport beach, this was the hair pinned and plaited and pulled into bouquets with dried sunflowers and yellow roses.  This was the hair that soaked in tears and bath water on those nights spent on the bathroom floor.  And I wanted it gone.  Not in the sense that I regret or that I "hate" my hair, or dislike the memories that it holds, in fact it's quite the opposite.  My hair carries the remnants of my history.  It has been there shedding and growing and all in my lowest of lows, in my blackest of blacks.  My hair has tangled with my personal void.  It has been a companion, it has gotten to know my demons.  And for that I am grateful.  But I am also ready to face a new chapter without carrying all of that weight (both literally and figuratively).  I have been constantly warring with myself for the past almost decade, and though I forget nothing, I throw away nothing, or even, leave nothing behind, I hope to move forward without the regrets.  The constant reminders of all the should have could have would have's.  Changing my hair drastically does not change me, but it does, like donning new shoes, or wearing a bright red lipstick, help me wake up in the morning feeling a little more like the "I" I am aspiring to be.

I do apologize for the block of text, but this morning I awoke with the want to reflect.
Thank you for reading,
till next time!

P.S.


My hair is currently impossibly short (much shorter in the back!) and though I am at a loss as to what to do with it, I rather enjoy it, if anything it is entertaining.  And most importantly, I am so very excited to have it grow with me, experience this life with me with all its shedding and growing and all.

**In the first photo I am wearing Cle de Peau's skin refining foundation in 06 with their powder foundation and the Estee Lauder re-nutriv powder.  In the second photo I am wearing Lancome's Teint Visionnaire with Lancome Dual Finish Versatile.

2 comments:

  1. I always love reading your entries. I never knew you too well while we were schooling together so getting insight from your personal viewpoints and experience is a privilege to be reading and becoming more aware of. I've always admired you from far and beyond since then and now the new changes you've made to yourself doesn't change my admiration for you one bit! It grows more and more. knowing that you are blossoming. You are always beautiful!

    P.S. Your walls of text are the best things to read.

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  2. Erika dearest. Thank you so much for writing this, i feel very much the same way (about wanting to be a new me - by changing my name, moving to a new place, traveling etc) but i essentially remain the same person. it is refreshing to find another person who experiences the same struggles, and what more, a friend of mine whom i am very blessed to know. your beauty is truly magnificent.

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